Understanding Jethro
by CruorLuna
Summary: Hollis wants answers; answers that Jethro is either unwilling or unable to give her. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and she’s tired of waiting. No major warnings but does get pretty heavy going. NO SLASH!


**Title:** Understanding Jethro  
**Author:** CruorLuna (Alison)  
**Rating:** K+ : no warnings, really, but it gets pretty heavy at some bits  
**Category:** NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service  
**Genre:** Angst, romance, slight friendship/bonding – NO SLASH!  
**Pairings:** Jibbs, Mibbs  
**Characters:** Jenny, Hollis  
**Summary:** Hollis wants answers; answers that Jethro is either unwilling or unable to give her. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and she's tired of waiting.

**Disclaimer:** None of the characters are mine. A couple of references to the past are invented, but that's why it's fanfic, people.

**A/N:** I really don't know where this came from. I sat down to write Getting To Know You (my only other published NCIS fic at the moment) and had major writer's block, and for some unknown reason this came out instead. I've never written anything with Col. Mann in it before, mostly because she's a bit of an irritation that I like to ignore, but when the plot bunny came along I thought he could use a good home, so here it is. It's slightly Mibbsy from Hollis' point of view, but there's also some Jenny-on-Jibbs and a little Hollis-on-Jibbs as well. It's better than it sounds, I promise! It does get a bit heavy going now and then, but that's kind of the point. Anyway just read it and see for yourselves, it's hard to explain.

Also: to those who do read Getting To Know You, I assure you, I am still writing it, and I've got lots ideas floating around in my head, so when the inspiration comes back you'll hopefully get several updates in a short space of time! Thanks for being patient, and don't give up on it yet – it's not been abandoned!

Anyway on with this – as always, read and enjoy, and let me know what you think …

* * *

Hollis Mann didn't know what to do for the best any more. She had been planning her retirement since before she met Leroy Jethro Gibbs, and now that the time was approaching, she knew she had a choice to make. She couldn't retire and stay in Washington. If she was giving it up, she was going the whole way … to Hawaii, she had once decided. But she would also be giving up a man she cared about, a man she had grown to love. If she wanted him in her life, then her retirement plans were going to have to go on hold. And therein lay her dilemma: did she risk it all on a relationship, when her partner may or may not love her back?

It wasn't that she doubted Jethro when he told her he cared. And it wasn't even that she thought he was cheating on her. No, what worried her were the subtle signs that indicated that he was in love with another woman … and he didn't know it. She certainly didn't believe him when he told her that he and Director Shepard had only ever been partners in the professional sense. And it seemed that everyone at NCIS knew more about it than she did, despite the fact that **she** was the one he was supposed to trust most.

"Colonel?" Hollis took a deep breath and got to her feet, taking a step forward.

"Can we talk alone?" she asked quietly. Jenny Shepard frowned slightly but nodded, taking a step back to allow her to pass into her office.

"Cynthia, hold my calls," she instructed, turning and following the Colonel through and closing the door behind her. She made to take a step towards her desk, but hesitated, and instead indicated the more comfortable couch. Hollis shot her a surprised glance, and the Director smiled wryly. "I'm guessing this isn't a professional matter, Colonel."

"Hollis," the blonde corrected her firmly, taking a seat. The redhead raised her eyebrows as she joined the other woman on the couch. "You're right. This is out-of-office."

"Then it's Jenny," the Director replied with a slight smile. "What can I do for you, Hollis?"

"I don't know why I'm here." Jenny didn't respond, and Hollis was grateful. She knew she would sound like she was rambling, but she just needed to get it out of her system, and sooner rather than later. "I should probably be talking to Jethro, but …"

"He's not exactly the master of deep conversation," Jenny supplied, and Hollis chuckled wryly. That was an understatement.

"Something like that," she agreed. "And this concerns you as well. I suppose I'm just hoping you – or somebody – will give me some answers. I see the way you two are around one another. I'm not blind, and I'm not stupid. I know you two were close. That's not what annoys me – how could it? Everyone has a past, and I would never judge that. What annoys me is that it's become this giant issue, and I don't even know why. I just want to know where I stand. I understand that there was more to your relationship than Jethro lets on. What I want to know is how much more. And how far in the past is it? I don't want to make a fool of myself, and I certainly don't like being made a fool of by others."

"I don't think you're a fool," Jenny told her quietly. "I don't think Jethro does either."

"He doesn't trust me."

"He doesn't trust anybody."

"Not true," Hollis said, shaking her head, all too aware of the bitterness that had crept into her tone. "He trusts you." Jenny regarded her thoughtfully.

"As a partner," she replied. "He trusts me with his life the same way he trusts DiNozzo, or Ziva, or McGee. You know what it's like. You have to trust that your partners have your back in the field or you'll end up dead. That kind of trust doesn't leave you."

"I think we both know he doesn't think of you the way he does of DiNozzo," Hollis said dryly, and Jenny half-laughed, but it was flat.

"I guess not," she said. "And Jethro won't tell you anything about this?"

"No."

"Have you asked?"

"I don't even get halfway through a question before he makes it clear he's not going to talk about it. He won't open up to me, not about you, and it makes me wonder why."

"Jethro doesn't like to talk about his past," Jenny tried. "He plays things close to the vest because he has a lot of bad memories; things he would rather not relive. I've known him for nearly eleven years now and I don't claim to know everything about him. It's part of what makes him who he is."

"And I've tried to accept that," Hollis assured her. "I've really tried. I've put up with the secrets; the shadows of the past; the lies … but at some point I have to draw the line. I can't be in a relationship if he won't give me **anything**."

"Does Jethro know how much this bothers you?"

"I don't know. Maybe. He knows I want him to open up, but I don't know that he's ever paid attention long enough to see just how badly."

"So what exactly is it you think you'll get from me, Hollis?" Jenny sighed. "If he doesn't want to tell you about his past, it's not my place to get involved. And I can't solve your problems for you. Jethro may listen to me about some things, but not as far as his love life goes. I won't talk to him for you."

"I don't want you to," Hollis answered truthfully. "And I'm not asking you to tell me his secrets, Jenny. I just want some sort of idea where I stand, and I was hoping you could at least clue me in a little. At this point, I'll take anything." Jenny surveyed her for a few moments before standing up.

"I think we could both use a drink for this," she commented, reaching for the decanter and glasses she kept in her office. "Bourbon?"

"I haven't quite developed the taste for it yet," Hollis said, sounding a lot sourer than she had intended to. But Jenny seemed to understand, nodding as she poured one anyway.

"It takes a while," she agreed. "But it takes the edge off." She handed over one glass and sat down again, raising her own. "Cheers," she said dryly, taking a large gulp and swallowing it over without so much as blinking. Hollis took a much smaller sip, grimacing slightly as it burned a path down her oesophagus, but didn't put down her glass. She had a feeling Jenny was right – she was going to need it.

"How long exactly?" she asked a moment later. Jenny blinked at her for a moment before the penny seemed to drop, and she half-laughed as realisation dawned.

"Oh," she said with something verging on a grin, "longer than I'd care to remember. You want a tip?"

"Like I said, I'll take anything."

"Vodka."

"Excuse me?" Hollis asked, raising one eyebrow, and this time Jenny let out a real laugh at her expression.

"Vodka," she repeated. "Carry a miniature or a hip flask in your bag. You barely even taste the bourbon. Two parts bourbon, one part vodka. It's stronger, but you just have to drink it slower. Nobody ever questions you if you drink slowly, but they do if you make faces like the one you just did." Hollis watched her for a moment, and then laughed aloud herself.

"And if Jethro's pouring the drinks?"

"Bathroom break. Go in search of something to eat. I think I even went to answer his doorbell once."

"Jethro doesn't have a doorbell; he leaves his door open."

"Exactly," Jenny responded with a tiny wink, and Hollis snorted.

"And he didn't care that you were watering down his precious bourbon?" she asked, mildly surprised. Jenny smiled.

"I think it's a situation where the phrase 'it's the thought that counts' is probably the most appropriate," she replied softly. "He wouldn't care if you were replacing it with coloured water, if he thought you were trying to do it in secret to make him happy. He would appreciate the fact that you were trying to spare his feelings." Hollis nodded.

"I see what you mean," she agreed. Jenny's smile faded slightly.

"So what is it you want to know, Hollis?" she asked quietly. Hollis sat up straighter, surprised that she seemed to be agreeing to share, but Jenny held up a hand to quieten her before she could speak. "I'm not promising anything," she warned her, "but there's no harm in asking."

"Why?" When Jenny looked at her confusedly, Hollis elaborated. "Why did you change your mind about helping me?" Jenny looked down, watching the liquid swirling in her glass.

"You must care a lot about Jethro to come here and ask for my help," she said finally. "And he needs someone like that in his life. He deserves to be happy, and if you can make him happy, then who am I to refuse him that? And it took a lot of courage for you to come up here tonight. I have to respect that."

"Maybe you're just not as scary as you thought you were," Hollis joked lightly, and Jenny laughed aloud.

"All evidence to the contrary, but I appreciate you trying," she grinned.

"Well, for what it's worth, I don't think you're frightening," Hollis said truthfully. "Just … extremely intimidating."

"Oh, is that all? That's a load off."

"Can you blame me? You know how Jethro looks at you; how he acts. You're such a big part of his life and his past that he even lets you drink his coffee. And as I'm sure you're well aware, you're a very attractive woman. Throw in the fact that you're one of the most successful women in the country …"

"And he wants you," Jenny finished firmly, albeit a little sadly. "Jethro and I do have a past together. And if he asked me, I can't promise you for sure that I'd be strong enough to refuse him a second chance. But he's with you. That says a lot, Hollis."

"I … I suppose I've never looked at it that way," Hollis confessed quietly.

"Well isn't that why you're here? Fresh perspective?"

"I don't really care how fresh it is. I just want it to be honest."

"Well like I already told you, there's no harm in asking. If I can morally answer you honestly then I will. If I can't, I won't answer you at all. I can't give you any more of a guarantee than that."

"But I believe you," Hollis said, surprised at how easily the trust came. She had never taken to Jenny, mostly due to jealousy, but she somehow knew that she wanted to help.

"Then fire away," Jenny replied, taking another drink. Hollis brought her own glass to her lips and did the same, but in far smaller proportions. The Director's glass was already less than half-full, whereas her own looked barely touched. She bit her lip in contemplation before asking the question she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer to.

"You were together, weren't you? In Paris."

"Paris. Positano. Madrid, London, Marseilles … we worked together. Travelled together. We grew close. I'm not defending it," Jenny said softly, looking slightly guilty. "We shouldn't have gotten involved. He was my boss – he could have gotten into a lot of trouble if the wrong person had found out. It was selfish of me to allow it to happen, but I did. We both did. I'm not going to try to justify myself to you, Hollis. If you care about Jethro the way I think you do, then you'll know why I did it. And it was Europe. It was new; exciting; romantic. And Jethro was … he was just Jethro. It was inevitable, really."

"But you cared about him?" Hollis pressed. "I mean, it wasn't just a whirlwind affair brought on by the romance of Europe, was it?"

"When it ended, I tried to tell myself that it had been." Jenny spoke slowly, her eyes fixed on nothing in particular. Hollis had the suspicion she was wrapped up in memories. "But it was more. It meant more … **we** meant more."

"How much more?" Jenny glanced up then, and Hollis winced slightly. "I'm sorry – was that too personal?"

"No," Jenny said with a small, sad smile. "I was just remembering the first time I had to answer that question. It was difficult. It meant I was losing my focus, risking my career … I had to ask myself if it was worth it."

"Was it?"

"You mean, if I could turn back the clock, would I change it?"

"Yes," Hollis confirmed. Jenny smiled wider.

"Not one minute," she admitted. "And as for 'how much more?' The answer you probably don't want to hear, is 'everything.' For the time we were together, I was happier than I can ever remember being in my life. When it was good, it was **great**. I loved him."

"Did you tell him?" She was sure she was treading on very thin ice here, but now that Jenny had started, she found she wanted to know everything. Jenny half-laughed.

"Yeah," she grinned. "Yeah … he thought I was joking. He even quoted John Wayne."

"And that didn't upset you?"

"Why should it? It's Jethro all over," Jenny shrugged. "He had enough issues without me adding insecurities to the list. Besides, he's never been good at expressing how he feels with words. I told him because I wanted him to know, not because I wanted to hear him say it back. I didn't need him to say it. I knew."

"How did you know, though? If he didn't say it, then …"

"It's not Jethro's words that define him, Hollis. It's in his actions. You just have to look a little deeper; read the signs. I would catch him watching me at night when I was reading, long after he told me he was going to sleep. He said he just liked to watch me read. Or if we'd had a hard day at work – if I'd shot somebody – he wouldn't ask me if I was okay, like most men would. He wouldn't say much of anything. But when we were eating dinner, he would hold my hand across the table and never say why. It's all in the little things. Somewhere between like and love, something shifts, and it's the small gestures that show it. It's the only way he knows how to show you how he feels."

"So you're saying even if Jethro did love me, he might never say the words?" Hollis asked, eyes wide. She couldn't believe Jenny could be comfortable never having that reassurance. But then again, she knew she was talking to one of the strongest women she had ever met.

"It's possible."

"Did he ever say them to you?" Jenny stiffened slightly, but Hollis kept her gaze locked on her. This one, she did need to hear.

"Yes." The word was whispered, but it echoed in Hollis' mind like a gunshot – one gone straight through her heart. She knew Jenny hadn't said it out of spite: she had promised to be honest if she could. Hollis had brought this upon herself. But knowing that Jethro had been able to talk to Jenny about his feelings and couldn't to her was almost worse than not knowing. It raised another question she really wasn't sure she wanted answered: was it because Jethro just didn't feel comfortable enough to discuss it yet … or because he just didn't love her?

"Oh." Her own voice sounded weak in her own ears as she took a rather larger than necessary sip of bourbon, and regretted it immediately afterwards. "I see."

"He's been through even more since then, remember," Jenny said carefully. "Another marriage. Another divorce. He lost a team member; a friend. I waltzed back into his life as his boss, which wasn't easy for either of us. He was in a coma. He lost his memory of the last fifteen years of his life. He had to relive the most awful experience he's ever been through, as raw as though it had just happened all over again. It's no wonder he's more cautious than ever."

"You're talking about Shannon and Kelly's deaths." It wasn't a question, but Jenny answered it anyway.

"Yes."

"From what I understand, you … you really helped him through that." Jenny let out a laugh, but it wasn't out of nastiness – it was hollow, and her face was drawn and pained. Hollis swallowed slightly. She had never seen the Director like this, and it actually worried her more than ever to see it. It was obvious that Jenny still cared a **lot** for Jethro.

"I wish," she said flatly. "I'd never seen him suffer that way, and there was nothing I could do for him. All the years I'd known him, all we'd been through together, just melted away to nothing, because he couldn't remember. I could've been a nurse holding his hand for all the difference it made. I wanted to hold him and comfort him through the pain the way he's done for me so many times – as a friend, not as anything more – and I couldn't. I don't think I've ever felt so useless in my whole life." With those words, Jenny brought her glass to her lips and swallowed the rest of her drink in one go, getting to her feet with amazing speed and steadiness. "Would you like another?"

"Oh, no, I'm still working on this one," Hollis assured her. Jenny nodded and turned to the crystal bottle, pouring herself another, considerably larger, measure, and taking a long swig of it. "I really don't think I'll ever be able to drink it like that."

"I said the same thing once," Jenny shrugged. "Give it long enough and you'll just get used to the burning, the watery eyes and the searing pain in your chest. Then after another few years, it starts to taste like something other than the fires of Hell."

"How long before it tastes **good**?"

"I'll let you know." They shared weak grins over that one, and Jenny returned to her seat on the sofa, cradling her glass between her two hands. "So you love him then." That was another of those statements that wasn't quite a question, but Hollis replied anyway.

"Yes," she sighed. "But I honestly don't know if he feels the same about me."

"Does he know how you feel?"

"I haven't said it in so many words, if that's what you're asking. I don't think I could handle not having him say it back." Hollis froze as the words left her lips. She hadn't meant to admit that to Jenny. She hadn't even really admitted it to herself yet, trying to avoid imagining that particular scenario.

"Well it's none of my business, but if you are going to tell him, I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he won't return the sentiment." Jenny's voice was quiet but sympathetic, not cold. Hollis nodded.

"I don't know yet what I'm going to do. I'll need to think about it."

"Of course." They lapsed into an only slightly uncomfortable silence for a few moments, both of them returning to the sanctuary of bourbon as an excuse not to talk. Hollis then cleared her throat, bracing herself.

"You don't have to answer this," she said sincerely, looking into the other woman's eyes. Jenny just looked straight back. "It's pretty personal."

"Try me."

"Do you still love him?" A smile worked its way over Jenny's features, leaving Hollis bemused. The redhead leant forward, resting her elbows on her knees and staring into the depths of her drink.

"Of course I do." The answer was so succinct, so brutally honest, that it stung like a slap in the face. Hollis blinked a few times before responding.

"And you don't feel guilty about that?" she asked, her mouth hanging half-open. "It doesn't bother you to be in love with a man who's with another woman?"

"I didn't say I was in love with him," Jenny corrected her softly. "I said I loved him. I don't think anybody who knows Jethro well could truly dislike him, and he and I were closer than most. I grew to love him as a partner, friend, mentor and confidante, long before I fell in love with him. When a relationship breaks up, it doesn't mean all of the good things are erased. And I certainly never stopped loving him in those other ways. I care about him more than maybe anyone else in the world. I just want what's best for him." Hollis sat in silence for a moment, trying to find the hidden meaning in the words. Jenny had never actually said she **wasn't** in love with Jethro any more.

"So are you in love with him?" Jenny met her eye with a half-smile. She almost looked impressed that Hollis had noticed her avoidance of that issue.

"I don't know," she said, and there was raw emotion in her voice that showed her words to be true. "I told you I wouldn't lie to you, Hollis. And the truth is, I really do care for Jethro more than anyone – much more than I should, as Director. But this runs far deeper than my being Director and his being Special Agent. It goes further than when he was Special Agent and I was the Probie. When you peel back all the layers; remove the titles from the equation; you're left with two very incomplete people, with a past. Jenny and Jethro, two broken people who found a chance for happiness with one another a lifetime ago. And if we were still those two people, then I could tell you with absolute certainty that I was still in love with him. But I can't tell you anything for certain any more, because I'm not sure either of us are the same now, and I'm not sure we're different either. All I know is that no matter what may have happened, we both still care, probably far too much. Anything else is for each of us to figure out alone." As much as Hollis wanted to hate Jenny for this admission, she found that she couldn't. Who understood better than she did right now what it was like to feel confused about Leroy Jethro Gibbs?

"I'm sorry, Jenny," she said quietly, not knowing exactly what she was apologising for, but feeling that she had to say it. Jenny nodded.

"So am I," she said with a small sigh. Hollis took another drink, emptying the glass.

"I should go." She got to her feet, suddenly feeling embarrassed about this whole situation. Jenny also stood, looking about as uncomfortable as Hollis felt.

"I wish I could help more," she apologised. "I know that sounds contradictory, but I meant what I said earlier. I want Jethro to be happy. That matters far more than anything else."

"You have helped," Hollis assured her with a nod. "And, if you could, not mention this to him …"

"No, I rather value my ability to walk," Jenny responded dryly, and Hollis chuckled.

"My sentiments exactly," she agreed. They took the few steps towards the door together, both lost in their own thoughts. It was curious, really, Hollis thought, how she and Jenny ought to be rivals, and yet she felt an affinity with the woman that she had never imagined would be possible.

"Where does he think you are?" Jenny asked, jolting the blonde from her reverie.

"At home," Hollis shrugged. "He was the one with plans tonight. Some concert he promised Abby they would go to for her birthday."

"Ah, of course – I'd forgotten," Jenny confessed. "I think it's for the best."

"Yeah." Hollis closed her fingers over the door handle, but then she hesitated. "Can I ask you one more question?"

"Shoot."

"Has Jethro … did he ever ask you why you were with him?" She had avoided this question thus far because if he hadn't done so with Jenny, she didn't feel quite right revealing that he had with her. But she found that she really wanted to know now – **needed** to know. Jenny let out a soft sigh.

"Yes," she admitted. "Once, a very long time ago."

"What did you tell him?"

"The truth. You?" After that reply, Hollis knew she should say the same thing and not reveal any details, but she had to know whether she had said the right thing.

"He asked me what a woman like me was doing with a wreck like him. It caught me so off-guard that at first I didn't say anything. Then I told him that I don't think he's a wreck, and that I'm lucky to have him in my life. I told him I think he's sweet, and fun, and caring, and interesting, and that he shouldn't be so down on himself all the time." Jenny didn't respond, and that made Hollis nervous. "Was that wrong?"

"I don't think there's a 'right' answer to that question, Hollis."

"Was it anything close to what you said?" Hollis pushed. She knew she should stop now and apologise for sticking her nose in, but now that the issue was out there, she knew she wouldn't rest until it had been resolved. Jenny once again just looked at her, not opening her mouth, and Hollis sighed quietly. "Jenny, please," she said softly, allowing her anxiety to show. "What did you say?" Jenny paused for a moment and then swallowed slightly.

"His question was a little different," she replied slowly.

"What did he ask you?"

"What I saw in him."

"And you said?" There was a brief moment in which the two women looked at one another, and Hollis found herself holding her breath as she awaited the answer.

"I told him I saw darkness," Jenny all but whispered. "He was consumed by it."

"I don't –"

"I asked him the same question in return," Jenny interrupted, not allowing her to finish. Hollis was stunned to see tears glistening in the other woman's eyes. "He told me he saw light. He asked me to save him … and I failed him." Hollis felt her own eyes widen.

"I don't think he sees it that way, Jenny," she said, but Jenny shook her head.

"His wives couldn't help him, Hollis. They were replacements for Shannon, nothing more. He didn't deal with his emotions well – or at all – and so his marriages failed. But he opened up to me, and he reached out to me, and I left him. We both know I had my reasons, and he says he's forgiven me … but I'll never forgive myself." She looked directly into the other woman's eyes, and Hollis had the odd sensation that her soul was being exposed. "I don't deserve him, no matter how much I might want to make amends and help him this time around. But he does deserve light in his life. Don't hurt him."

"I won't," Hollis promised in a hushed voice, and she meant it. "I've really learned a lot tonight. You've helped me a lot, Jenny. I appreciate it. If I can do one thing to help you in return, then I hope this is it. Let go of the guilt." She couldn't believe these words were leaving her mouth, but they kept coming. "You've done more for him than I think even he really realises, and you can't let this ruin your life. I wouldn't be here tonight if Jethro hadn't forgiven you. It's time to leave it behind." Jenny half-smiled.

"I appreciate it," she said, sounding sincere. Hollis nodded in response.

"Goodnight, Director Shepard," she said, opening the door. Jenny stepped forward with her to close the door after she left.

"Goodnight, Colonel Mann," she returned. They shared a small smile before Hollis turned and left the office, and heard the door click shut behind her. Once safely out of sight of the Director's office, she leant against the wall outside MTAC and let out a long sigh. She had gone to Jenny Shepard's office looking for answers, and she had got them. And now she knew exactly what she was going to do. She had finally figured out what was for the best.

She wondered if she would need to learn the hula.

* * *

**A/N:** Okay, so that was random, and a little more Mibbsy than originally intended, but this is what came out. It still counts as Jibbs though … I think? Anyway, if people are interested, I may do a follow-on oneshot from either Gibbs or Jenny's point of view. Let me know what you think at any rate – feedback would be greatly appreciated! :)

Alison xx


End file.
